Dear Mankind (from All the Attractive Women of the World)

I just found this gem of a blog post I wrote when I was 19. (March 2010) It deserved a re-publish.

This blog entry is written for you (cough…cough…men) who seem to not understand how to cope with our (seriously hot mama’s) attractiveness. Here is our outline of requests.

1.       Just because we are attractive…does not mean “Please, touch me!” Quite frankly at our level of awesomeness…it means “Touch me and I will personally see to your demise.”  I think I speak for all women when I say this. People, you need to understand women very much so are like cats. We are very adorable, but please don’t look so shocked if the claws come out. We as attractive women, are not whores and we don’t want you getting all grabby!

2.       We insist upon intelligent conversation. If that cannot be provided the exit is just that-a-way.

3.       To the men who think they leave a seriously attractive woman and think we’re going to just “take them back” or expect us to miss you enough to care. Grow up. It’s not happening, sweetheart.

4.       We’re very attractive. It means we expect some effort on your part. Aka…the shower and some hair gel.

5.       Don’t expect us to change our minds about our standards.

6.       No seriously, we’re not changing.

7.       We are not jealous. We just don’t share, because we deserve the best.

8.       We don’t look like convenience shops. We are not convenience shops.

9.       We really don’t care that our attractiveness is overwhelming to you, if you want to argue with a seriously attractive woman you’d better have the guts to do it in person. Never via text message or IM.

10.   Just because that one time, that one girl was okay with something, or acted more like this or whatever it was that she was like…does not mean we’re the same way. Every woman is different. If you don’t appreciate us as the individuals we are you don’t deserve us. 

My Dating Advice

I was resisting writing this blog post as a newlywed. I feel that as a newlywed, everyone discounts what I have to say about love and marriage. Those of you who are single think I just got lucky and I no longer understand the plight of the single lady. Those who have been married longer tell me I'm in the "Honeymoon Stage" and I'm too blissful to possibly comprehend how horrible things are. (This one I understand the least...why can't you be happy? I don't understand what's wrong with being happy.)

So, at the request of a friend, here is my dating advice from a no-nothing newlywed.

1. Directed towards the ladies...Guys understand direct. A lot of women find themselves hinting or just trying to "be around" and hope the guy they're interested in notices them. Sure, you can be ladylike and politely wait for attention...but odds are you're only going to find the excessively aggressive date-seekers and players. You could really miss out on a sweetheart of  a guy who might be a little on the shy side or who's self confidence needs a little boost.

I'm not saying you have to ask him out. (Though, it's an option...I just wasn't a fan of it.) I'm saying it's okay to tell a guy you think he's good-looking. Tell him you think he's fun to be around. Things like this establish to him the idea you like him, you've complimented him directly, given him a proper self esteem boost, he should feel a lot more comfortable asking you out.

Here's a good tip: if you think you're being obvious take it up a couple notches and then you are being obvious.

I would even suggest going a step further for certain cases. Use your judgement, obviously. A lot of guys have this idea in their head that there is some big feminist movement that excuses them completely from initiating dates. As a result, they believe they can wait long enough and she'll ask him out and pay for his dinner. Not okay. Right?

So, here's where you can nonchalantly suggest, "You should ask me out." If that's a little brazen for your personality/tastes, you can also go for the "Have you heard about? I would love to go to that (with someone)" This is great because you've made yourself very easy to ask out. There's a date plan set up he knows you'll like and it's directed at him. He has few excuses to not ask you out. 

If he doesn't pick up on that...don't worry. Either he's a little lacking in the IQ or your gaydar malfunctioned. Or perhaps he just doesn't like you. That's okay, move on.

Okay gentlemen, here's your advice: Ask her out. The majority of women still expect you to make the first move. Even if she is the type to ask a gentleman out...just ask her out anyway. She'll never consider you if you don't make yourself known.

2. You're already flirting. I swear everyone thinks they don't know how to flirt. Guess what! You do! Flirting is as easy as giving someone all your attention. Flirting isn't necessary the witty word play and accompanying giggles. It can be, but it isn't always. Paying sincere attention to the individual and a well placed, thoughtful compliment and you've successfully flirted.

3. Keep encouraging them. Big mistake I see made...people flirt and flatter and are so sweet to their love interest and then suddenly they clam up and get shy. The key is to keep the encouragement coming throughout the relationship development and the relationship including after you've married them. You have got to continue show you care about them and love them. That's the thing people love about being in a relationship, if you take that out what do you have?

4. It's okay to have expectations, just make sure you meet them. Let's be honest with ourselves. We want to marry rich.Who can resist the allure of being wedded to someone who has so noble a title as Doctor? CEO? Attorney? Here's the thing. If you want to marry someone smart, you need to be smart.

Expecting a super athlete 0% body fat kind of person and currently you are, well, a soft pudgy marshmallow Netflixing and Facebooking your life away...is a no go. Sure, opposites attract and there's nothing wrong with being with someone who inspires you. Quite frankly, you should pair up with someone who inspires you. However, the weight of the relationship being happy shouldn't be all on one person.

If you want to be with someone smart and able to roll in lots of green, there should be an equal amount of work on your end.