Dear Mankind (from All the Attractive Women of the World)

I just found this gem of a blog post I wrote when I was 19. (March 2010) It deserved a re-publish.

This blog entry is written for you (cough…cough…men) who seem to not understand how to cope with our (seriously hot mama’s) attractiveness. Here is our outline of requests.

1.       Just because we are attractive…does not mean “Please, touch me!” Quite frankly at our level of awesomeness…it means “Touch me and I will personally see to your demise.”  I think I speak for all women when I say this. People, you need to understand women very much so are like cats. We are very adorable, but please don’t look so shocked if the claws come out. We as attractive women, are not whores and we don’t want you getting all grabby!

2.       We insist upon intelligent conversation. If that cannot be provided the exit is just that-a-way.

3.       To the men who think they leave a seriously attractive woman and think we’re going to just “take them back” or expect us to miss you enough to care. Grow up. It’s not happening, sweetheart.

4.       We’re very attractive. It means we expect some effort on your part. Aka…the shower and some hair gel.

5.       Don’t expect us to change our minds about our standards.

6.       No seriously, we’re not changing.

7.       We are not jealous. We just don’t share, because we deserve the best.

8.       We don’t look like convenience shops. We are not convenience shops.

9.       We really don’t care that our attractiveness is overwhelming to you, if you want to argue with a seriously attractive woman you’d better have the guts to do it in person. Never via text message or IM.

10.   Just because that one time, that one girl was okay with something, or acted more like this or whatever it was that she was like…does not mean we’re the same way. Every woman is different. If you don’t appreciate us as the individuals we are you don’t deserve us.